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Talking to Kids About War

By: Sabrina Wu
By: Sabrina Wu

With televisions and newspapers saturated with coverage of the war, children are bound to see some disturbing images.

"They want to understand why people are getting killed and why there's all these missiles and warheads are going on," Lynne Jensen, a mother of two from Stevens Point said.

Dr. John Kolhoven said children will respond differently depending on how old they are and how sensitive they are, but it's important to be honest with them no matter what the age.

"You have to kind of assess where they are developmentally, " Kolhoven said. "You're going to talk to a three-year-old differently than you're going to talk to a 10-year-old."

Kolhoven says if you have a variety of ages in the family, you might want to have individual conversations with each of them.

"Clearly kids that are of a younger age are more prone to trauma," said Kolhoven. He says it's important to include children in discussions and answer their questions. This can help them feel more secure.

"Mainly we tune in and watch it together and answer as many questions as we can," said Jill Bergeron a mother from Plover.

"I like to know what's going on and I've been learning about it at school," said 12-year-old Anna Bergeron.

In general, experts say you can start a conversation with your children by asking them what they've heard about the war. Young children should be watched carefully and given limited exposure to graphic images.

Older children should be encouraged to watch TV with you so you can answer any questions they might have. Most importantly, experts say to reassure children they are safe and that you're there for them.

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Talking to Kids About Fear and Violence

Recent acts of violence in the Washington, D.C metropolitan area and the resulting intense media coverage bring safety issues to the forefront for all of us. However, children, in particular, may experience anxiety, fear, and a sense of personal risk. They may also sense anxiety and tension in adults around them. Knowing how to talk with your child about violence will play an important role in easing fear and anxieties about their personal safety.

To guide parents through discussions about fear and violence, the National Mental Health Association (NMHA) offers the following suggestions:

  • Encourage children to talk about their concerns and to express their feelings. Some children may be hesitant to initiate such conversation, so you may want to prompt them by asking if they feel safe at school, in their neighborhood, or in public places. When talking with younger children remember to talk on their level. For example, they may not understand the term “violence” but can talk to you about being afraid or a classmate who is mean to them. Encourage them to express their feelings through talking, drawing or playing.

  • Validate the child’s feelings. Do not minimize a child’s concerns. Let him/her know that serious acts of violence are not common, which is why incidents such as these shootings and the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks attract so much media attention.

  • Talk honestly about your own feelings regarding violence. It is important for children to recognize they are not dealing with their fears alone. Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know.” Part of keeping discussion open is not being afraid to say you don’t know how to answer a child’s question. When such an occasion arises, explain to your child that these acts of violence are rare, and they cause feelings that even adults have trouble dealing with. Temper this by explaining that, even so, adults will always work very hard to keep children safe and secure.

  • Discuss the safety procedures that are in place at your child’s school, in your neighborhood, and in other public places. Arrange a presentation by McGruff the Crime Dog, a member of the local police force, or a neighborhood watch captain.

  • Create safety plans with your child. Help identify which adults (a friendly secretary, trusted neighbor or security guard) your child can talk to if they should feel threatened. Also ensure that your child knows how to reach you (or another family member or friend) in case of crisis. Remind your child that they can talk to you anytime they feel threatened.

  • Recognize behavior that may indicate your child is concerned about their safety. Younger children may react to violence by not wanting to attend school or go out in public. Behavior such as bed-wetting, thumb sucking, baby talk, or a fear of sleeping alone may intensify in some younger children, or reappear in children who had previously outgrown them. Teens and adolescents may minimize their concerns outwardly, but may become argumentative, withdrawn, or allow their school performance to decline.

  • Empower children to take action regarding their safety. Encourage them to report specific incidents (such as bullying, threats or talk of suicide) and to develop problem solving and conflict resolution skills. Encourage older children to actively participate in student-run anti-violence programs

  • Keep the dialogue going and make safety a common topic in family discussions rather than just a response to an immediate crisis. Open dialogue will encourage children to share their concerns.

  • Seek help when necessary. If you are worried about a child’s reaction or have ongoing concerns about his/her behavior or emotions, contact your pediatrician or a mental health professional at school or at your community mental health center. Your local Mental Health Association or the National Mental Health Association’s Information Center can direct you to resources in your community.

Source: http://www.nmha.org (National Mental Health Association Web site) contributed to this report.


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