After a few extreme cases of domestic violence in our area hmong community there are a number of efforts underway to help keep Hmong women safe in their marriages.

In less than one year, two murder-suicide cases shook residents in Marathon County.

In September of 2006, Chor Xiong killed his wife, Padalina Thao and then took his own life.

In August of 2007, another man, Chor Thao stabbed his wife, Pa Houa Thao, to death.
He also committed suicide.

These extreme cases of domestic violence have many concerned that cultural differences are partly to blame since traditional Hmong marriages more closely resemble u.s marriages back in the early 1900's.

That includes arranged marriages and very specific expectations for what it means to be a husband - or a wife.

A retreat participant speaking in Hmong says, "We didn't have dates where we'd spend all day or night together. When we were living there and because I'm the boyfriend, I would go work in the farm fields all day then come home and then at night, I would go see her at her parent's home. I'd speak briefly to her and then I would go home."

Chia Fong Thao dated Yang Vang 32 years ago in Thailand -- their relationship was kept secret.

This was how the Hmong had done it for generations.

The dating culture, changed however, when thousands of Hmong migrated to America.

"Relatives told me that there was a girl in St. Paul I should go meet," said Joua Thao.

With the help from family members, Joua went to visit Pa Vang in Minnesota. They dated for two weeks and got married.

Pa and Joua have now been married for 21 years and have four children. But, Pa says if they could do it over again, they would.

Jack and Pagnhia Thao also attended the Hmong Couples Retreat. They dated two years before they tied the knot. At 15 and 16 years old, they hung out, went to the movies, held hands, just like typical American teens. But, it disrespected the elders.

"Some of the stuff we did kind of violated what they thought was right. And because of that, we were to wed each other," said Jack.

Bao asks, "They forced you to get married?"

Jack replies, "Correct."

That was 10 years ago.

Experts say forced marriagees, brief dating periods or secret relationships are not predictors of a failed relationship.

"We have to be careful not to say, 'Is domestic violence so prevalent in the Hmong?' Or we have to be careful to deny that it does exist," says counselor True Thao from Minnesota.

Violence does exist, even in our small community. But there are no easy answers. True agrees events like these could save lives and heartache.

"Marriage is full of bumps and hopefully when that next bump in the road comes along, something like what we could have learned from today can help us," adds Jack.

It's important to note that in Wisconsin, no one under the age of 16 can legally marry.
A bride or groom under 18 must have written, notarized consent from a parent or guardian.
However, in the Hmong culture, children as young as 14 have married in their own tradition.
Again, you should know it is very rare nowadays, but traditionally it is still considered acceptable by some members of the Hmong community.

You can read much more on the subject at Bao Vang's blog. Please feel free to leave a comment or question.